Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
