party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
