She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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