So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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