mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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