I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
