If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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