I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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