you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
