Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This baby is an asshole
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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