I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
