Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
