Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
