so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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