Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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