Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
