I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
