That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize