After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
