Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
