Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
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