I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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