True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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