i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
