And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
