did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you never un-have a 4some
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
