We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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