We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
