this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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