update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
