My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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