i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
