I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
