Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
