Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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