A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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