Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
