Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
