im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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