Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
