i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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