dude i'm inner monologue high
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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