If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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