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Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
