Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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