My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
