hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
