hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
