note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
