I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize