My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
