someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
