I wish my penis had an off switch
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
