whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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