Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My vagina just recognized that song.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
