can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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