How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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