so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
