You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
