I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
