you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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