ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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