So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
