We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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