I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Help. Why am I so naked?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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